


Bereft

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [19]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Both Kaidan and Allyse Shepard have difficulty dealing with the aftermath of their visit to Lesuss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bereft

It was Lesuss that broke his heart.  Seeing what happened at the monastery, all of those asari, the Ardat-Yakshi, already pariahs to their own people, and then targeted by the Reapers to be turned into monsters.  Those horrible banshees, with their deadly shockwaves and eerie screams made Kaidan shiver.  Falere's distraught face, begging for her sister as Allyce pulled her into the elevator would always stay with him.  It was just the beginning of the war and already, Kaidan had seen enough.  
  
When they got back to the Normandy, he'd noticed that Shepard was quiet, even for her.  It was one of the things he couldn't get used to, one of the changes that had come about after the original Normandy crashed and she'd been sucked into the void, then rebuilt.  Her face would be closed, eyes dark and pensive as she sat in silence, alone with her thoughts.  Before she was a wellspring of laughter, her thoughts and feelings written on her face, emotions easily read.  If she hadn't died, he would have chalked it up to getting older, wiser and seeing too much battle, but now he didn't truly know what she'd seen or experienced.  Far more than he had.  
  
The ship headed towards the Citadel after that, and she disappeared, off the ship without telling him where she was going.  Before they'd got there, she'd made her stop in to see down in the Starboard Obs, and he'd confessed he was glad he hadn't ever come across and Ardat-Yakshi before.  They would have been the end of him as a young naive officer, interested in exotic beauty of the asari and biotics.  Shepard had given a faint laugh at that, but she didn't really say anything else and hadn't lost the thoughtful, pained look she'd worn since they'd left asari space.  
  
"Can you come up for a minute Kaidan?"  The text only message beeped on his omni-tool, and he noticed, with some surprise that she used their private channel, they'd set up just for the two of them.  They used it mostly for vid messages and sending some of the more risqué communications between the two of them.  Text messages didn't usually get sent on that frequency, and the irregularity of it all made him hurry up to her cabin.  The door opened automatically for him and he tripped into the room at high-speed, cautiously looking around for Shepard.    
  
Allyse was laying on the bed, simply laying atop her comforter with her eyes closed, the room darkened around her.  She didn't look up at him as he approached and Kaidan saw tears streaming out from beneath her eyelids.  He didn't understand, but was panicked, hoping that no other tragedy had occurred since they'd left asari space.  
  
"Shepard, what's wrong?"  Kaidan carefully sat down, taking one of her hands in his as he did.  She didn't open her eyes at his touch, not even as he swept her tears away with the side of his hand.  
  
"Tashya Porae."  She answered, and he didn't know what she meant.  "One of the commandos sent to the monastery.  She had a recording and I gave it to her bondmate, Weshra."  She stopped talking, but he didn't understand where she was going with this.  They'd done this before, brought back messages to people who'd lost loved ones, bringing them a measure of peace.  
  
In the silence between them, he could hear the creaking of the ship as it swayed gently.  He shifted, laying down next to her on the bed, curling into her side.  He looked up for a moment, while he waited for her to speak again, admiring the stars above them as he only could from her cabin.  He continued to wipe away her tears, stroking her wet face, watching her draw deep breaths with closed eyes.    
  
"Kaidan, when the Alliance declared me dead, did you get my things?"  
  
The memory was like a gut-punch and Kaidan found himself closing his eyes as he sunk back onto the bed.  "Yeah.  Yeah, I did."  He answered.

The tiny pink hair bows, the holos, the credits.  There was a botany book too, if he remembered correctly.  He hadn't thought about it in ages, not since he'd taken the box to his parent's house for safekeeping.  It was so long ago, and he hadn't known what else to do with it, not trusting himself to keep it safe as he moved from assignment to assignment.

He'd seen it once when he'd visited, but that had been after Horizon and he didn't know where she was to give it back.  Horizon. It had been so confusing and painful, Kaidan didn't like to think about it, on how he lost it on Allyse, on his parents when he'd retold the story.  That pain, it once burned so powerful within him had been red and raw with rage, so different from the twisted, aching black pain that had nearly consumed him after she died.  Every time he thought about that damn box, it hurt, bringing back a flurry of difficult memories, but  also made him strangely proud.  Of all the people she knew, had known and loved, it was him that she'd chosen to give everything.  It was that thought he always kept with him.  In the back of his mind, he'd always known that he'd be with Shepard again, but with the attack on Earth, he hadn't remembered the small box of mementos, the lost pieces of her family salvaged from Mindoir.  
  
"I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how that must have been for you to get.  It was before Ilos, and I wasn't sure if we were going to get together, but I wanted you to know how much you meant to me.  It was foolish, but I really couldn't think of anyone else at the time and afterwards, well I was glad that I had done it."

How funny that he had thought it Lesuss to break his heart.  It was only the most recent in a history of heartbreaks, though they all felt more painful after Shepard.  There were years when he thought he couldn't top the devestation Rahna left behind, but then Allyse _died_.  A galaxy without her light in it had been nearly unbearable for him, but he remembered what it was like to get her things, to be reminded of her and to get to know her better, even after she was gone.  How fiercely she must have believe in them before Ilos to bequeath him all that was left of her family.  It had brought him comfort, and now they did the same for others.  They'd never be able to bring that commando back, but her bondmate might be able to find the peace he'd eventually found.  
  
"It's alright Allyse.  It was,"  he choked up, not able to get the last word out before tears made his voice husky.  "I needed it, I needed to know how much you loved me.  It was all that kept me together sometimes."  
  
"How much I love you."  She corrected.  " _Love_.  Present tense.  I never stopped.  I'm still here and I love you.  Forever."  
  
He buried his face in her hair and answered.  "I know.  Sometimes it's all that keeps me together."


End file.
